Koppur

At lunch today, I went to the place next door to get a salad. It is a Bruggers, and for those of you not familiar with it, they have the worlds best bagels.

As I was ordering, I was thinking that I would get a bagel with my salad, since the salads alone don’t fill me. However, before I could order a bagel, I saw the fruit salad. In my mind, a battle raged: bagel, fruit salad, bagel, fruit salad, BAGEL! FRUIT SALAD!

And alas, the bagel won the battle.

But I left the bagel to bask in its glory, and brought home the fruit salad.

I always had a thing for the underdog.

Yesterday BF and I went to the movies to see Hellboy 2 (v. good!).  We had been to this theater before, and while I knew the chairs were a little snug, I knew I fit in them fine.

The Hellboy movie, however, was on a screen where we hadn’t been  to before.  I went to sit down, and I didn’t fit.  I couldn’t get my hips and butt into the seat.  I tried and tried, in front of a half-full theater by the way, but it didn’t work.  I was in tears and humiliated.  I didn’t want to leave because I didn’t want to get up and walk by all those people.  I felt that would be extra humiliation.  So, I just sat twisted in the seat on one side, and leaned towards my BF (who was FAB by the way).  I cried for about a half an hour (commercials and previews) before I could calm myself down. 

I was in so much pain from the way I was sitting, both legs and an arm had gone numb.  I was humiliated, disgusted, revolted with myself.  It just broke my heart.

I have failed today.  I didn’t get my butt to the gym to sign up and get started.  I have a good reason why, though.  With the pressure on my back and knees from my weight, plus the MS, some days I am in so much pain that I need a cane to walk.  And I was thinking, “What happens on the days I need the cane when I want to work-out?”  I just can’t see myself on the tread mill with the cane.

So, instead, I am going to join our local Y.  It is more expensive ($50 a month versus $20 a month) but they have the pool for days when I need an exercise that is easier on the legs.  Since it is beyond our budget (money is tight), I am going to apply for an assistance program they have to help with membership fees.  And Mums and Dads, love them to death, said they would help with the cost since they know how important it is for me to be working out on a regular basis.

So, tomorrow I’ll be taking a trip to the Y to get the application.

Oh, and I took a walk today with the BF.  Go me!

Today I worked a 9-5 shift at a store where I do tarot card readings.  It was a great day, pretty busy, and I made some good money.  But after sitting in a folding metal chair today, I am in a lot of pain.  My back hurts (upper and lower), my neck is sore, my knees ache, and my legs are stiff.  I know it is the MS and sitting in that chair all day, but it makes me nervous. 

 I am supposed to go to the local gym tomorrow to sign up and have my first meeting with a personal trainer.  I really want to do this, and I plan on going to the gym every weekday, doing cardio three times a week and weight training twice a week.  But I am concerned.  If I am this sore and in this much pain from sitting all day, I don’t want to even think about how much pain I will be in from working out.

I plan on telling the person I am working with that I have MS and that it places certain restrictions on the type of exercises I can do and how much I do, but I am still nervous.  It has been about 3 years since I was regularly working out at a gym, and my MS started revealing itself in the last 2, 2 1/2 years or so. 

It just makes me scared because I don’t want to let this beat me or stop me, but I also know that pushing myself too far can lead to an attack.

*sigh*

Blub blub blub.  That’s how I feel.

Anyways, thanks for letting me ramble about that.  I will just do what I can do and push myself as far as I can until I get uncomfortable.  Will check in tomorrow after my first workout. G’night.

Well, here I am.  Looking to find the strenght to lose weight.  Again.  Here’s my story…

I’m 30 years ld and I weight 350 pounds.  I wear a size 26/28 top and size 28 bottom.  I am terrified of getting any bigger since that is the largest size Lane Bryant carries.  I have been overweight for as long as I can remember.  No dramatic childhood or heartbreaking event that caused me to gain all this weight.  I come from an overweight family, and like them, I just liked to eat, especially the sugary, salty, fatty foods, and I ate too much too often, while not exercising enough (or at all).

 I never had a problem with my weight or my confidence before, but since December 2007 I’ve been having a very hard time dealing with my weight.  I no longer have confidence and I am now embarresed about my weight and how I look.  I have begun to feel ashamed to go out in public and that was NEVER me before.  I find myself disgusting and gross and I know that is not healthy for me.

 So what was so special about December 2007 that suddenly made me feel bad about my weight?  I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis (MS).  I am having a lot of trouble dealing with it, and as a result, I think it is making me more aware of my body and how unhealthy I am in regards to my weight.  I also know that the better my general health is, the easier it will be to control my MS and its’ symptoms.

 My plan is to eat low fat, low carb, low salt, low sugar, and high fiber, lots of fruits and veggies, and lean meats with low fat cheeses (can’t give up the cheese!).  I don’t want to diet per say, as I need something I can live with for the rest of my life, so I want to teach myself to eat healthy.  Additionally, I will begin working out a lot.  I am joining a gym on Sunday.  I love to walk on the treadmill and swim, and I will be doing some weights and meeting with a personal trainer once every two weeks. 

 One problem I have with the MS is that I suffer fatigue and often muscle weakness.  Some days I need a cane to keep my back and legs from hurting when I walk and to help me balance.  It will be a struggle dealing with that and trying to work out, so I am just going to do what I can and not use my MS as an excuse.  Hopefully the exercise and weight training will give me more energy and more strength in my legs so the weakness and fatigue happens less often.  I kind of have to take it one day at a time and see how I feel each day.  I can’t push myself when I am feeling really bad or I can get an attack, but I don’t want to use it as an excuse.  I guess come Sunday, we’ll see how it goes.